Grand Theft Reaver A Soul Reaver 2 Parody
by Corpse-Prodder
Summary: Disco Dancing Moebius and Raziel get's attacked by a crazy version of himself. Scary. Review, ok! I'm not posting the next chapter if there isn't any.
1. Prologue

**:: Grand Theft Reaver ~ A Soul Reaver 2 Parody ::**

Disclaimer (FOR ALL CHAPTERS): LoK is the property of Eidos Interactive and Crystal Dynamics. GTA is the property of Rockstar Games.  
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**Prologue**__

_Raziel enters the Chronoplast chamber, and surveys its tiered walkways and arcane dials, noting both the mysterious device suspended from the domed ceiling, and the undulating portal on the far side of the chamber.__ None of this interests him. He is looking for Kain._

_Raziel hears a voice, and…A vampire with huge ears?!?!_

**Turel:** Um… *run's out*

_An MIB guy step's up to Raziel and uses the 'flashing thing' on him, making him forget what he saw._

_Raziel (again) hears a voice, and Kain reveals himself as he steps out from the shadows of the upper tier._

**Kain:** 'Bout fuckin' time you arrived! You've brought _shame_ to the family! My _first-born son_ is slower than my dead grandma!

**Raziel:** Jeeze, at least I didn't take a year to reach this place-

**Kain:** You're a disgrace! I bet even Zephon can beat you in a race! Why, in MY day, if you were late for class you were paddled (butt naked) with a splintery…er…paddle! Or something. Why, my friend's butt got so red that-

**Raziel:** SHUT UP! SHUT, UP! *Kain suddenly goes quiet* Thank you. 

**Kain:** Like HELL you're going to hear the last peep from _me_! So tell me, kid-did it trouble you to ice your bros?

**Raziel:** No. I wasn't troubled because I killed every single remaining judge on Nosgoth. The bad thing was that each time I killed one I kept getting like 6 more wanted stars…!

**Kain:** …Euh? Enough! You keep changing the subject! Anyway, eternity is relentless, Razzyboy. When I first snuck into this place a-gazillion years ago-

**Raziel:** Please stop exaggerating.

**Kain:** I can do what the fuck I want-I didn' know the true **POWER(****!)** of knowledge. *flip's the switch, Chronoplast responds with a 'FFFFBBBGGTTT!'* To know the fucking future, Razzy-shnazzy –

**Raziel:** _Watch. Your. Goddamn. Mouth! Razzy-Shnazzy my ass…_

**Kain:** -- to see it's roads and highways tracing out into the infinity-winity…infinite…of the infinite…bleh.

As a man (or woman…er…moving on!), I could never have contained such forbidden truths, that Method Man suck's as a rapper.

…But each of us (which is now two-no, three! Turel, remember?) is so much more than we once were. I mean, humans are EEEEDIOTS! Dont'cha feel how we have become like fuckin' GODS??- 

**Raziel:** No.

**Kain:** Sure ya do! You can't die, right?

**Raziel:** Yeah-how did you know that? YOU STALKIN' ME OR SOMETHANG?!

**Kain:** No, no! Just shut the hell up, m'kay? Anyway, we be legion!...crowd…thing…MOVING ON-

**Raziel:** Stop saying that!

**Kain:** Hey! I get to say what I like, so SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU LITTLE BLUE SHIT!

Our futures are predestined-kinda like in a video game –

**Raziel:** This is a video game.

**Kain:** YOU THINK THIS IS A GAME, DO YOU?!  You must have watched the Matrix movies or played on your PS2 too much or something, CUZ THIS IS AS REAL AS HELL, SON! Is THIS real?! *he pick's up Harry Potter book five and throw's it at Raziel's head*

**Raziel:**  *gets hit in the head with the book so hard that it knocks him down ~ he quickly gets up* OW! Why you son of a…

**Kain:** Anyway, our futures are goddamn predestined. Moebius foretold mine aeons ago. He also told me that Harry Potter and The Order of the Phoenix would be out during 2003. *point's to the book he threw at Raziel* And he was actually right, too! Old bastard he was…And we each play out the parts fate has scribbled up for our asses-I mean us. Kinda like in a play! Free will is a friggin' illusion. So are those bendy mirrors in the circus. *throw's another switch*

**Raziel:** What the fuck are you fucking talking about?

**Kain:**  LANGUAGE! *Kain jump's down and slap's Raziel* Damn boy, you're slow! Seriously, if you lived back in my day when I was an ugly young lad your ass would have been so full of piles from that…

**Raziel:** I'M NOT RETARDED, AND IF YOU DON'T FUCKING SHUT UP ABOUT PADDLING YOU MOTHER FUCKER, I'M GONNA RIP YOUR UGLY ALBINO HAIR OFF AND SHOVE IT SO FAR UP YOUR-

**Kain: **OK OK OK OK OK! *jump's back up* In my day if a boy defied his pops' they'd throw him in a well!…but then some stupid dog would come along trying to act like a hero. "Oh, little so-and-so is trapped down the well!"

**Raziel:** I found your mausoleum, Kain.

**Kain:** Really?! Is it still in good shape? Probably not, but…

**Raziel:** *slap's forehead* I MEAN I found the Tomb of Sarafan. Your dirty secret is-

**Kain:** Wasn't that cut out of this?****

**Raziel:** Oh yeah, sorry. How could you profane a priest by turning him into a _vampire-___

**Kain:** Who's him?

**Raziel:** I mean me and the others.

**Kain:** Oh. *Raziel loses his patience and launches himself at Kain-who easily stop's Raziel in mid-air with one hand (show off), and holds him by the throat, at arms length* I always wanted to do this… *he suddenly stick's his tongue out* Neeeah-neeeah I'm stronger than you!

**Raziel:** Oh, now that's just plain immature.

**Kain:** Well this is a free country, isn't it? Like my momma always said, one must keep her friends close-and her enemies and sanitary napkins _even closer._

**Raziel:** Uh…oh my god… X_X'

**Kain:** *eyes widen* Oh! Oh! I mean HIS! Yes, HIS! And forget the last thing I said! Just enemies, JUST ENEMIES! *Kain then effortlessly hurls Raziel to the lower floor of the chamber, then hurls himself* Aw crap, what a mess I've made! *He then jumps down, approaching Raziel's sprawled figure* Who better to serve me than those weirdoes whose passion transcends all notions of good and evil?

**Raziel:** Look you mother fucker, the friggin' Sarafan warrior-freaks were saviors, defending Nosgoth from Dr. Evil and Barney the Dinosaur-oh, and us too-

**Kain:** How about Martha Stewart? 

**Raziel:** Yeah, her too. Anyway-my glowy wraithy eyes that the fan girls seem to go crazy about are opened, Kain-I keep finding junk mail in the so-called junk-free _e-mail account_ you rudely forced on my unwilling corpse! *Raziel lunges at Kain. Kain evades the blow, but Raziel attacks again and pins Kain against the wall, his forearm to his throat.*

**Kain:** You may have discovered your cookie-wookie past, but you dun' know a thing, boy! Your hear me? Not a friggin' thing! All you know is that you died young and were a Sarafan, that's all. But do you truly believe that the Sarafan were noble hee-homs?

**Raziel:** *confused* What's a 'hee-hom'?

**Kain:** Oh you know, being complete goodie goodies and all high-and-mighty. *breaks Raziel's grip and sends him across the room ~ he laughs and moves toward the final dial* Don't be a fool. Their agenda…program, schedule, thing…was the same as ours! And so in other words, THEY WERE THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE, KID! *freak face-ahem, I mean Kain throws the final switch. The arms of the Chronoplast device descend, and the portal flares to life…kinda like star gate!* You nearly had me, Raziel-

**Raziel:** No I didn't.

**Kain:** But this ain't where-or _how_-it ends. Mr. Fate promises more twists and popsicles before this drama unfolds completely. SEE YA! *skip's through the portal*

**Raziel:** Wait! I'm not finished with you yet, you bastard! *Raziel gets to his feet and races up the stairway. He pauses briefly, then leaps through the portal*

**Elder God:** Raziel…Raziel? Aw, CRAP.

_Raziel suddenly find's himself in the middle of a road._

**Raziel:** Hey, where am I? *he look's at the logo of an empty cab* Kaufman Cabs? *A fat guy run's past him followed by a guy with a chainsaw*

**Fat Guy:** I pay you double, Tommy, DOUBLE!

**Tommy: **Quit your squealing, no one cares, fatso!

_Raziel sees another portal open and he runs into it, hoping that he'd turn back in Nosgoth. Raziel finds himself floating in darkness, and hears an unfamiliar voice calling to him out of the ether. As Raziel drifts to the floor and the chamber coalesces, Moebius the Time Streamer steps out of the mist to greet him._

**Raziel:** I never knew I'd actually be glad to see you!

**Moebius:**

Rrrrrrrrraziel…

Rrrrrrrrredeemerrrrr and destrrroyerrr

P-p-p-prrrronoun and messagerrrr.

Gonichi wa, time-spanned soul.

Welcome…_TO **DISCOMANIA!**_ *a disco ball appears on the ceiling, music plays, and Moebius begins to dance his butt off*

**Raziel:** X_x MOMMY!!!

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Hmm, Moebius and his Sarafan/Vampire Hunters disco dancers? What'll happen next?!

So that was the Prologue/Inrto FMV.

Well, review and tell me what ya think. Bye for now!


	2. Chapter 1

**:: Grand Theft Reaver ~ A Soul Reaver 2 Parody ::**

**ETW: **My thanks to all who reviewed. *gives them all an EG plushie* *gets tapped on the shoulder* Huh?

**Hash'ak'gik':** Hi. *kills her*

Reader 1: Oh my god, they killed the author!

Reader 2: *shrugs* No biggie.

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**Chapter 1: Moebius the Disco Dancer, Psycho Raz and an old female Vampire Hunter**__

**Moebius:** *shakin' his bootie* 'Where am I?' Is the usual question. In your case, 'why!' 'when!' 'who!' 'what!' might be more apt.

**Raziel:** Euh? Enough! Stand still so I can kill you, you old bastard! 

_Raziel raises the Reaver and the orb on Moebius' staff flares brightly. The wraith blade sputters out and retracts._

**Raziel:** Dammit, I had this thing checked just before I came here! *look's at Moebius who is still dancing* This is all your fault! *grab's him by the throat*

**Moebius:** This is completely unexpected! This orb usually makes our vampire enemies dance the night away as we run them through, but I dunno why your glowing light saber thing disappeared and I won't hurt you-

**Raziel:** Oh quit pretending to be a benevolent hee-hom!

**Moebius:** *confused* What's a hee-hom?

**Raziel:** Oh you know, being a complete goodie goodie and *eyes widen* NOOOOOOO!!!!! I'M SOUNDING LIKE HIM NOW! *gets a crazy idea* HEY, MAYBE IF I KILL YOU I'LL BE OK AGAIN…?!

**Moebius:** No no no no no! You won't kill me, cuz Kain would do that 30 years later!

**Raziel:** *let's go* Damn! You two are a pair. You should be married!

**Moebius:** I'll pretend I didn't hear that. Death comes to us all, Raziel. It's just a matter of…well…dancing to death…

**Raziel:** *becoming a little insane* AAAhh!!! Enough with the dancing already! *point's violently with his eyes bugging out* AAAhh!!! THERE'S A GIANT BUNNY BEHIND YOU!! *fall's down on his back for no reason at all*

**Moebius:** Uh…you feeling ok kid?

**Raziel:** HWY SHOULD YOU CARE?! AAAhh!!! *Moebius slap's him hard * Thanks…I needed that. 

**Moebius:** *turn's away and exit's the chamber and realizes that he left Raziel behind* Oh, why that little… *pokes his head in the chamber* HEY! You! FOLLOW ME!!! \_/

**Raziel:** O_O; Yes sir. *gets up and follows him*

**Moebius:** *goes back to dancing his old ass off* Anyway, I knew you when you were one of the Sarafan brotherhood. You and I used to be dance partners. We'd steal the spotlight, you and I!

**Raziel:** 0_0; That's…that's not true! You lyin', you a liar! *look's around* Hey, are we in the Sarafan Stronghold?

**Moebius:** No DUH…but the glamorous days of the Sarafan have long since passed, I'm afraid. This is a more cynical and unfashionable age, where people wear bland brown torn clothing and don't dance.

**Raziel:** I think you've been staring at the peasants too much.

**Moebius:** Nonsense! I am the GREAT Moebius, I need not concern myself with the likes of…_them._

**Raziel:** Hey, look, you're wearing brown clothing too.

**Moebius: ***look's at himself* Ok, so if you can't beat 'em, join 'em! *gets lost in his dancing* Stayin' alive! Stayin' alive! 

**Raziel: **OMIGOD JUST STOP ALREADY! * slap's him* 

**Moebius:** OW, I'm bleeding! OH, my poor, poor, face! *suddenly turn's to Raziel* Do you know how I can keep my face in good shape?!

**Raziel:** You call that good shape?! Mortanius look's better than you!

**Moebius:** Oh, you only say that because your ribcages are similar!

**Raziel:** *smoke start's coming out of his ears and a tea kettle sound is heard* They aren't.

**Moebius:** I use OIL OF TIME! It makes your skin softer than a baby's bottom!

**Raziel:** Hehehe! Baby's bottom! Oil of Time? What the hell, this ain't Zelda, you know!

**Moebius:** Just shut up!

**Raziel:** What diapers did you wear when you were a kid? Wait, I don't want to know… (A/N Probably burlap.)

**Moebius:** Anyway, you can order OIL OF TIME online at www-

**Raziel:** www.anti-moebius.tk! We protect YOU from manipulation!

**Moebius:** *stares at Raziel* Do you work for Evelin or something?

**Raziel:** No, but she interviewed me and put my bio on her site. I'm just advertising.

**Moebius:** Aw, well ain't that cute? **BUT IT'S WRONG!!!**

**Raziel:** Your breath stinks!

**Moebius:** You can order OIL OF TIME online at www.OIL_OF_TIME.com! Order while stocks last! (A/N I bet it's a porn site) HEY! (Heheh. ((it's not, it doesn't exist)) )

**Raziel:** ENOUGH WITH THAT SHIT ALREADY!

**Moebius:** *walk's to the basin and lights the candles with his staff*

**Raziel:** *walk's over inquisitively* Say, that's a neat trick! Do you use invisible lasers to light them?

**Moebius:** Shut up! *changes the channel to Nosgoth News*

**Man on the News *has a rough voice*:** NEWS FLASH! Mortanius, Guardian of the Pillar of Death, has been reported to have been acting rather strange lately. Azimuth, a source who shall remain nameless has captured a photo of the Death Guardian at a preschool entertaining some youngsters. *there is suddenly a picture of Kain at the Pillars. It disappears and the guy is there again* Oops, wrong picture. *another picture is shown: Mortanius is shown wearing a Megaman costume with a bunch of kid's kicking him in the shin*

**Raziel:** Know where he is now, see ya. *start's to leave*

**Moebius:** Wait! My dancers will not understand your appearance here, they will try to kill you! Their no match for you, of course, but try to keep the casualties to a minimum!

**Raziel:** *turn's around for a moment* Don't worry! They'll be FINE.

_Raziel then goes and kills all of the Vampire Hunters in the building._

**Raziel:** Heheheh…I love being evil- *SqUiSh* yuck, I stepped on maggots! And that, people, is why you shouldn't leave dead people lying around!

_After killing all of the Vampire Hunters, Raziel decides to actually take a look around._

**Crazy Insane Version of Raziel:** DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-*start's coughing* Damn! *takes out a gun and shoot's the camera-a lot of fighting is heard, then everything goes quiet-then breaking glass is heard, followed by a scream*

**Raziel:** And stay out, you...you…Psycho Me! AAAhh!!! Help! My Reaver is attacking me! My Reaver is…hey…it fixed the blade...OW, GOD, IT HURTS SO BAD! *the camera is finally fixed-Raziel look's at the camera guy* You missed everything! You should have taped the part where I threw Psycho Me out the window! *point's to the window showing Kain fighting William that is now broken* …Well I'm not paying for that!

**Moebius:** *appearing* YOU SAID THEY WERE GOING TO BE FINE!

**Raziel:** Sorry, got a little tongue tied there—I meant they were going to be finished. Fin-that's finish in French, you see?

**Moebius**: *in a low voice* And how would you react if I told you that Kain is actually your biological father and that you weren't born during the Sarafan Era?

**Raziel:** WHAT?!

**Moebius:** Nothing, nothing!

**Raziel:** No, what did you just say?

**Moebius:** I said…*panics* your mother was a hamster!

**Raziel:** WHAAAT?! *raises the Reaver threateningly* Do you really want me to slice your skull in half or something? Cuz I ain't gonna hesitate to kill ya, you crusty old bastard!

**Moebius:** *pees in his pants-Raziel notices it*

**Raziel:** *drop's the sword* AAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!!! You peed on yourself! Hehehe, I won't kill you since you're a great source of entertainment! *leaves* (A/N Bad choice, Razzyboy, very bad.)

**Moebius:** *closes the gate behind him* Damn, that was close! That kid's a walkin' paradox machine…if that…even exists…bleh! *disappears*

**Raziel V.O.:** I can now summon the blade at will, regardless of my strength. But if I use this thing too much it's gonna start eating me. *look's at another painted window and goes to have a closer look*

**Raziel V.O.:** *takes out a book of legends* So this was the legendary Janos Audron, reputed to have been the most ancient and diabolical vampire to have ever existed. According to folklore, he lived high in them mountains in the north and terrorized the helpless villagers below with bad music like Jennifer Lopez and Brittney Spears that's played at a high volume. His rain of terror ended when the Sarafan and U.S. Army finally hunted him down, killed his two sons named Uday and Qusay, and ripped his heart out. This relic came to be known as the Heart of Darkness (like that PSX game!). They say that it had the power to restore vampiric unlife. The Sarafan therefore guarded it carefully, lest the heart fall into the hands of their enemies. *look's up from the book and at the picture-it showed Janos Audron wearing a mustache in military clothing holding an AK-47* Very…er…interesting. But this is just an old tale! Maybe Janos is different? You never know. Life is full of surprises. *walk's into the chapter house*

**Raziel:** *look's at the statue* Hey, who's this guy? *reads the name at the bottom* Oh, its me-IT'S ME?! I NEVER LOOKED LIKE THAT! I NEVER WORE TIGHTS! I BET KAIN PUT THIS STATUE HERE! I'M GOING TO KILL HIM! *suddenly notices a purple demon behind Dumah in the mural* Hey, this must be the thing that killed us, right?...er…right?! I wonder what happened to it. I bet it was royally screwed-boy, thank god that ain't me-not that I would kill myself, I mean wouldn't that mean that I brought this on myself? *start's to leave* I mean, if that really IS me, then snakes can fly and I'm the Soul Reaver! *as Raziel passes the window, a winged snake flies by the window 'la la la'-ing the smurf song-he doesn't even notice it* Ha ha ha, like that could happen! 

_Raziel then goes and throw's all of the dead guys into the lake._

**Raziel:** *taking a look at the lake, waterfalls, all that good stuff* …Nice place…better than where I live…wait…this is where I live! Wait-what? *becomes temporarily disoriented*

**Raziel:** *shakes head and jump's off the balcony and into the lake, jump's out of the lake and onto the street, steal's a carriage/car hybrid (don't ask me what the hell that's supposed to be), and zooms off to the Pillars* I think I need a map… *find's a map in the back, which looks more like a drawing that a 2 year old made* Ok…never mind. *run's over an old retired Vampire Hunter lady who is trying to cross the street, cackles evilly, and look's at the readers* Blame my father. I do. *takes out a gun and shoots the camera* Oops-this thing's loaded?

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**ETW:** Damn, I just got this camera! *screeching at the camera guy* BRING THE REPLACEMENT!*temper rises*Grrrr…*grows tiny black horns* What the-

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**Hylden Camera Guy:** Ok, rolling.

**Raziel:** *examining the gun* Cool, it's loaded!

**(behind the scene)Camera Guy:** *whispering* Hey! *throw's an empty can at him*

**Raziel:** What?! Oh…*continues driving and soon spot's a blood bank* Hey! Just like old times. *enters the bank and kills everyone in it*

**Dying person 1:** AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

**Dying person 2:** EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Dying person 3:** MERRY CHRISTMAS!

**Dying people 1 & 2:** Eh? *they die*

**Dying person:** What? Oh-AAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRGGGHH!!!!! *dies*

**Raziel:** *exits with a bag full of bottles of blood* Um…what was it I used to do with these again? Oh yeah! I*remembers that he doesn't drink blood anymore*…_shit._ Hey, look, I'm already at the Pillars! I'll just drop these of off over there. *goes through the gates*

_(Camera shifts to the EG)_

Elder God: To be continued! MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-*gets hit with a frying pan*

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*camera shifts to ETW at the supermarket making fun of the squid on sale*

ETW: Quit following me!...Damn, that guy who's running the fish section is looking at me in a funny way. *quickly grab's the camera from the Hylden and breaks it on her knee*

Hylden: Damn.

ETW: Now leave! *spots a small bird flying around high up in the roof* Holy shit...review, ok?!


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